Inside the hard-shell chrysalis was pitch black.
I was simply frightened and didn't even think of moving.
I started seeing a therapist.
I didn't see any improvement...
The narrow and dark vision is still the same, and I don't see any change in me.
Does what I'm doing mean anything?
I’m getting aware of transformations in me little by little. I heard that a butterfly temporarily becomes a thick juice in the metamorphosis from the larva. Also, I've felt a part of me melting, gradually releasing tension that made me numb.
The tension hasn't done any good deeds for me. It’s more like a villain, but I can't give it closure in the relationship. It may be because I've spent too long with it.
How can I melt away and take the next move?
Slowly but surely, I'm melting.
Trying to love my current state without being hurried.
I see the light. I feel another world.
I can't emerge myself yet, but I have a gut feeling that possibilities and hopes have always been by my side.
I finally turned into a butterfly.
It's okay not to fly like others because I'm unfamiliar with the new world.
When I’m weary, I land on a marigold and recharge. I'll love myself forever.
People say having more sweets than necessary isn’t good, but I need it now so I’ll have the nectar.
"Changes" are like sudden incidents. Most of the time, we haven't seen anything before it becomes obvious. Our mental health is the same; even though we go to see a therapist or to have counseling, we can't have instant improvements and are worried that we're only wasting the fee.
"Am I the problem?"
"Am I just creating problems?"
No, you're not.
To step into a better world, you’re doing enough.
When I used to do track and field in junior high school, winter training was hard. After the long winter ended and the spring-athletic season had come, I finally could see what I did as "records." "Outcomes" are likely focused, but I realized that I’d been producing changes through the winter until it could be seen.
Yes. You're surely improving even if it's invisible. I’m sure continuing without no differences is a hassle. It's okay not to push yourself so hard when you run out of spoons. It's even okay not to try.
With forcing yourself, you feel like "doing your best" is negative and are more likely to stress yourself out. Even when you overuse it, you can't move and will get stuck.
When you want and can do it, test the limits and "breakthrough" even if it’s little. You can gradually enjoy engaging yourself and going for it.
You may blame yourself for being “too lazy” when compared to others. But without the nectar you need, you can't fly.
Not all bodies are the same, and just as the nutrition we need is different from people, what our hearts need varies from person to person and from time to time.
So accept your state and hold yourself with love. Tell yourself it’ll be alright.
From a chrysalis to a butterfly, you can live in the moment as much as possible and keep discovering yourself.
Take your time. You're making enough progress.
Written by Luna
Translated by Naomi Koizumi
Edited by Emiru Okada
Graphics by Momoka Ando