Japan,
i love you
but you suffocate me
21 years ago
i was born on your land,
the only mixed race baby in the hospital
my father the only gaijin in the hospital
but my family was not “japanese” enough for you
so when i was six months old i left and moved to a land that was also not mine but still welcomed me
i lived there for 10 years.
when i was 10, i came back to you, but not home to you. For you did not say okaeri to me.
you took my broken family in and welcomed us so long as we did not stick out too much from the rest of the crowd
but i did
my japanese was not good enough for you
my hair, not dark enough
my eyes, too light
i was too loud for you
too outspoken for you
not polite enough
did not speak to my elders correctly
I started to despise myself for it
when i was 12 i started commuting to school on the train
i was glared at
stared at
yelled at
told to go back to where i came from
i was sexualized
i was groped
I felt suffocated
when i was 15 i came to you with my depression
and you scoffed in my face
“depression?”
“You’re just weak.
Suck it up. Gaman-shiro”
“Don’t talk about it
Don’t show it
Don’t feel it”
It hurt.
When I was 18 I finally left you
Yet again to another country that was not mine but still welcomed me
for the first time in 7 years, i felt like i could breathe
Because there, we were all different
Here, my identity was not repeatedly questioned
Here, i could be who i was without shame
Japan I love you
I love you because you’ve showed me the taste of sweet vinegar rice and sashimi
You’ve showed me the pink sakura trees after a long and cold winter
I love you because you are safe and clean
I love you because you’ve showed me what hospitality means
You’ve showed me night lights that shine brighter than any city in the world
You’ve showed me unity in times of despair
You’ve showed me that hard work is important
You’ve taught me my manners
Japan I love you
But you suffocate me
You suffocate me because no matter how much I want to,
I know I will never belong here
I will never be truly yours,
You suffocate me because you will never accept all of me, only part of me
You suffocate me because a part of me will always be foreign to you.
Will there ever come a day when I can call this place I was born my home?
When will I stop being, half to you, and whole instead?
Japan
I love you
But you suffocate me